| Living for others |
[Nov. 23rd, 2009|01:16 pm] |
At what point did I first started to feel that I had a need to live for others. This drive over ride my sense of purpose. I value others' happiness above my own. In order to make others happy I have to establish myself. How can I make others happy when I am not happy? After losing Gordon, my grandmother and my home last year, I finally can put them behind me. It seem like a bad dream. I had a conversation with my ex the other day. Although he is not ready to start over again, he and I acknowledge that we started on the wrong foot. Both he and I have problems to sort out. He told me that there is still feelings for me within him. I am relieve. I thought that I was not good enough for him and that is why we broke up. I am glad that I am remembered. That is all one can ask after a breakup. A problem arise, I am enjoying my bachelorhood. :) Posted via LiveJournal.app. |
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| Maybe it's a tumor... |
[Oct. 14th, 2009|09:43 am] |
I've been experiencing this vertigo/head swimming feeling since Saturday. Perhaps it was my cold from a week before, or it is motion sickness from the ferry ride. But it's starting to effect me. It's hard for me to keep composure. Posted via LiveJournal.app. |
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| Salty babaganoush |
[Oct. 6th, 2009|05:08 pm] |
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Listen to a sad country tune and eating baba ganoush. What would Gordon think of his salty baba ganoush? |
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| New discovery, but finality of lost love |
[Aug. 24th, 2009|06:58 pm] |
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Today is an awakening for me. I realize that I transfix Dave as my own father. It became clear that the his rejection caused me to relive my experience with lost of love from my own father. Because I never grieved for the lost of my father I am doomed to relieve his lost. Hence, Dave. I love his so but it hurts. I probably am not ready for a relationship until I can grieve for my dad. |
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| Stress of going to school |
[Aug. 10th, 2009|06:23 am] |
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I'm feeling very stressed about going back to school. I don't know what to do whether going back to school now is a good idea. On one hand I have a steady job and I'm helping make ends meet. What if the whole family goes jobless? This is the rise of extreme poverty and wealth and the slow decline of the middle class. So now I'm also looking for a new job. I don't know how my work for Epicentro will work out. It's starting to be rinky-dink. On the side note, Linh also offered to pay me to go to bar-tending school. Oh what to do. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 6th, 2009|03:53 pm] |
When did I become so hopeless? Was it because I lack a fatherly figure? Perhaps it was Linh who caused me to go insane at such a young age. Am I insane? The dictionary definition is: a state of mind that prevents normal preception. Normal. Geniuses are above normal so why do people use the anology that genius bordelines insanity.
Though I was born happy somewhere along the lines I lost touch of what lost touch of what it is to be alive. Perhaps it was because mother coddled me too much. And she still does. She makes breakfast for me in the mornig. And yet I snapped back. I shouldn't have done that. She only means well. But it is not a good habit for any of us.
In high school there was no struggle for me. I let my schooling go through the cracks. And I was not happy. Even with Gordon I was not happy there were happy moments, lots of them. But my unhappiness was the reason that I didn't make our life any better. Why the heck did Gordon put up with me? Posted via LiveJournal.app. |
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| I'm feeling those glum |
[Jul. 27th, 2009|05:05 pm] |
Ach those lumpy glummy feeling. They stick on to you when your on the rest. Never leaving you alone. I've tried everything. Fly swatters do nothing, they don't flinch. Bathing doesn't help but if you don't you'll reek of glumminess. I can't even eat. There's a lump of glum stuck in my esophegus. I know next time I'll try electricity. I think it's more for me then those glum. |
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| Tired, but not down. |
[Jul. 22nd, 2009|09:23 pm] |
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As per usual I'm tired. But i've been hiking. Lost my driver's license along the way. Oh well at least I picked up some motivation along the way. |
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| Writer's Block: A Few of the Challenges I Face |
[Jul. 10th, 2009|11:59 pm] |
Nothing stands in the way of my ideal lifestyle. Absolutely nothing. Well. Except for family problems, lack of finances, a love and understanding partner, nothing stands in the way of my ideal lifestyle... Okay. Maybe chronic lying. Lying about my life.
I just don't want people to know how pathetic I am. I have no degree, my rooms a disaster, and I have no idea how to pick up my life. It just doesn't seem like it working. I'll go to a JC in the fall because I have to try to find a new job. I have nothing to be proud of. At one point I was proud of my math skills. Meh. I suck at math now. I used to be proud of my scientific knowledge. If I get scared on how much i cross information you'd think I'd have no skin left. Just a mushy "ugly bags of water."
But recently I am try to be more upfront and truthful not only to the people around me, but to myself. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 8th, 2009|09:23 pm] |
Well. Had a heart to heart talk with Linh. It seems I guess I'm not crazy after all. Dave is a chronic dumper. That is why he's so quick to get rid of peeps. When the mystery is unraveled he leaves them because he is disillusion from his expectations. You love people, flaws and all. |
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| This yearning! |
[Jul. 8th, 2009|06:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | Tearful and Longing | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Please Remember Me | ] |
I have only felt this way after so long. It was the yearning for Gordon, and now for Dave. Makes me sick to my stomach. A whole day just thinking about my dreaded dinner with Dave tomorrow. I'm gonna be rejected. It seems like it's the end. But probably it is just another day. A new day shall follow that.
Tears feel good. So much thoughts are going through my head. My main focus is how to win Dave back, if it's possible. But that seems to be an impossible task already.
"Tomorrow is a fresh day, with no mistakes in it--yet." Anne of Green Gables. |
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| Still a little tender |
[Jul. 6th, 2009|05:53 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pensive | ] |
Three weeks ago Dave broke up with me. And in those three weeks, I have accomplished so many task. I finally opened up a savings account, registered for classes at Ohlone (but couldn't find a class that fits my schedule), forgave my father and ultimately forgiving myself. Oh yes, I also joined a gym.
On the side note the iPhone feature of having a voice recorder is simply fabulous. I'm gonna record my mother and thoughts as often as I can. During the 4th of July my mother and I went to the Conservatory of Flowers. There I recorded some of the things she had to say. I still have to email it to myself. I hopefully they will turn out well. I want to keep a journal so that I may always remember her.
I resolve in giving myself 6 years to get a degree, start a career and pay off the mortgage to my mother's house. |
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| I = sad |
[Jun. 7th, 2009|08:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sad | ] |
Natalie, Dave and I went to the Easter Seals gala. That was the best gala yet, because things ran on schedule. Afterwards, we went to the Jukebox (the Marriot on 4th Street) and had a drink up in the view. We met some Canuckleheads and had more drinks with them. I got wasted. Had too many Manhattans and Old Pals. I ended crashing at Dave's place. In the morning I slept till 10am and woke up. Dave was nice and got me some coffee. I found all the stuff the liqueur that I had brought over neatly wrapped in a bag, along with some other stuff packed up. I'm not stupid, Dave broke up with me. I got dress quickly and in his bedroom he sat me down and told me that he has to stop dating me and told me that it's not because I was not good enough for him. He also expressed his wishes to be my friend and that he reserves the right to nag. I told him that I reserver the rights to roll my eyes.
He is an amazing man and I wished I could be with him more. I feel like he was helping me recover. I actually want to be a better person.
Later, I met with him again to return his house key.
Right now I'm just feeling so empty. I am gonna sleep it off. I still have a slight fatigue from all the drinking. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 21st, 2008|01:24 am] |
Dear Gordon,
Gosh things are just happening so fast. Informed my apartment that I will be moving out on January 30th. They went through the whole spew about leases and what not. But my name is not on the lease. I can easily just leave soon and leave them high and dry without paying for January. Dunno what's gonna happen. The manager is going to call me on Monday to tell me to get my shit out or something. Any who. |
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| 3 days or quit?! |
[Dec. 16th, 2008|08:02 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
Well came home and found a nice little notice from the land lord. He wants proof of homeowners insurance within 3 days or else he's gonna give me the boot. The asshole broker who provides Gordon the insurance is so god-damn lazy that he doesn't want to fax over the proof. WTF! I can't do it unless Gordon gives his consent. Well Gordon is not counted amongst the living.
Sighs. I also have to think about moving our furniture into a big storage. And moving back home to mom's house with only clothes. The house is too cluttered.
On Sunday the 14th, Gordon's car got broken into again. The broke the back window and got in that way, in broad daylight. So I get a call Maria, my boss, saying that someone broke in. Crappola. So I had to go there and clean up the glass on the road and move Gordies van inside. They too but on thing. Ugh. They could at least taken the cloth that was gonna be donated anyways. Bastards. To make the matters worst, the boss decides that the trailers are to be cleaned. So dumb them decided to buy a convenient cleaner and sealer in one. The problem. It needs a hose. WTF. They already know that our warehouse has not water hose. I told them they could just take it appart and use it separate. So those jokers ended up dropping the cap flinging spots of the sealer all over my new suit. Maria started laughing. That is just plain rude. I wouldn't laugh at her, and I'm sure she wouldn't laugh when I tell her they ruined a $140 suit.
Things just don't get any better do they. |
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| What to do. |
[Dec. 8th, 2008|01:56 pm] |
Dear Gordon,
Yesterday was not bad. The festival wasn't a complete sham. So I forgot the vendor's butter. But solved the diesel problem. What diesel problem? half way through the ordeal the generator leaked diesel because it was on a slant. Was afraid there was gonna be a fire then KABOOM, just like the cereal in Kill Bill. Actually the biggest problem is if someone slips on it then lawsuits will ensue. So I got on my hands and knees and started to wipe the diesel away. I got a bucket to catch it, then we dropped the generator in the front. Totally forgot that it was on a cranked leg support in the front. Argh reeked of diesel for a while. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 5th, 2008|01:17 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | San Jose | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | sad | ] |
It has been a while since I post anything.
For those of you who do read my post, I have to update you on the past things that has happened in my life.
First the biggest thing that has happened is that I lost Gordon on November 12th 2008. He is the love of my life and I shall hold him in my heart. His ashes are at home now. A home till January. I can't afford to stay in that appartment by myself.
Gordon has taught me many things in life; however, through his death I learn may painful things. The precious a person life is when it is gone. Why it is important to live to the fullest. When a person dies, even if I don't know them, I feel more reverence to them. I am just too sad that I had to learn this by this tragic event. He did brave it till the end.
There is to be a memorial for him on December 7th, 2008. It is 10 am at the National Hispanic University. As may of you know Gordon and I work together for a grassroot marketing business.
I have started and will continue to post my letters to Gordon. |
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| End it. |
[Nov. 30th, 2006|06:36 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Here | ] |
| [ | mood |
| | dead numb | ] |
I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. Barf. |
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| Friends, fun and fried stinking tofu |
[Jun. 24th, 2006|12:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bouncy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | None | ] |
So here's the situation: Some friends of mine from the GamersEx group got together for some dinner fun.
Place: Shanghai Noodles, 1808 Balboa St., San Francisco.
Time: 8:00pm
Roster: Lester, Bill (Bob?), Ken, Randy, Eric, Royster, Jean-Luc, James, Gordon and Your Truly.
So we met up at the noodle house a shy late of 8:20-ish. I knew that we were in for some very traditional chinese food. The place was clean, no bleach smell, no roaches, or half-dead, zombified fish floating in brack'. When I saw the people eating soymilk and chinese donut, I knew the cuisine was gonna be okay, and it was. I felt really bad for James though. The food was probably less than curious for him, let alone appetizing. Gosh, Lest and I went crazy and started to look for the weirdest entree we could find in the menu. Most of it was pretty normal, dumplings, noodles, soup, chinese donuts and soymilk. Probably the coupe de grace was the fried STINKING tofu. I thought it was a typo for sticking or something. No, it was honest-to-god stinking. I made it a note to watch everyone face when that dish came out. I wish I had a camera. White people just can't take smell well at all. Fortunately, half of the group was away, so we didn't have to hassle with twice the negative feedback from everyone else. The tofu was like a crispy block of morning breath. For all of you with root-canals or dry-mouth, your significant ones will have this dish for breakfast over and over.
After dinner, we all met at John Collins @ 2nd and Mission. The crowd was a young mix, trendy. The decor was dark with plants. I think that's stupid. People kept brushing up on them. The place got sooo crowded, and people's asses rubbed on my shoulders all the time I was there.
Was a fun night in the city. |
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| Blackheart. |
[Sep. 13th, 2005|11:42 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | artistic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Tonight, Tonight (SM) | ] |
Would you like to see the blackness of my soul? Meh, like you have a choice.
 | You scored as Blade. Thats right you are the booty kicking you cross me and I will stomp a mudhole in your butt type. Sexy and a great fighter with mad fighting skills
Blade | | 92% | Marius | | 83% | Dracula | | 75% | Lestat | | 75% | Akasha | | 58% | Louis | | 50% | Angel | | 50% | Armand | | 42% | Spike | | 42% | Deacon Frost | | 33% | </td>
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